Valentine Confession and How I Got My Mind Right

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Icon_Inspiration-Category_200x200Confession:  Yesterday, I didn’t have a Valentine.

In fact, I’ve NEVER had a Valentine.

Sure when I was a kid I received the traditional candysweet-shovel-valentines-day-craft-photo-260-FF0204VALENA03 and Mickey Mouse Valentine’s Day perforated card from a classmate in grade school, but I don’t count that.

As an adult, I’ve never had a boo on Valentine’s Day. I’m okay with that now, but I can remember the days when V-day would come around and I would try to act like I was okay and would get together with some other single girlfriends. Secretly, I was tired of looking in my friend’s faces year after year. For once I wanted a scruffy mustache to brush across my lips as we toasted the night away with white wine, candlelit amongst a bed of rose petals. Alas that hasn’t happened yet and I’m okay with the fact that I spent this year’s Valentine’s Day without all the fluff.

Why is this time different? Truthfully, I’m not sure when the Aha! moment hit me, I just know I feel uber comfortable in my singledom for the first time. I can sit in my Midtown apartment eating Peanut Butter Cap’N Crunch (yes it is my favorite cereal) for dinner and not be pressed to cook for anyone. I can wake up and work on my blog all day in sweats and no one would blink an eye. I’ve gotten comfortable in my space and I am okay with not having to share that space.

Back in the day I would cry and bemoan being in this place. Today, as I look back over the years, I realize that there is nothing better than loving the hell out of myself.

sunsetbeachbonfire-52277-zoomI was and am to this day a die-hard romantic. The guys I would date and fall in “unreciprocal” love with got my all. I planned spa nights, picnics and dinners. Oh and you should have seen the gifts I DIY’d, they were the stuff romantic comedies are made of.  I put up with a lot of things while dealing with men that I wasn’t meant to be with. I put up with non-commitment, infidelity and just over all bullshit that I didn’t need to put up with. A guy would tell me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but my fool-self thought that I could change his mindset. That didn’t work. I settled for a guy calling me when he wanted to vent or a booty call and it led me down a dark road – depression, low self-esteem and poor self-worth. I kept falling into the same self-laid traps doing the same things to myself because I didn’t feel I deserved better. Oh I told myself that I did, but my actions showed differently.

Times have changed and being single is freeing and liberating since I got my mind right. I see many, many women suffer the same things I have. Putting up with men who they are not meant to be with, but yet feeling compelled by the fact that they don’t want to be alone. I knew I deserved better and so do you.

Icon_Sensible-Homework_200x160So here are 3 ways I got my mind right:

1. I chose myself. Part of the reason I went through unrequited love back then is because of low self-esteem and things in the past I hadn’t healed from. I wanted so bad to be part of a couple that I was willing to take whatever pair of pants (within reason) came my way and hadn’t taken time out to love on me. I recently saw in the news a story about Yasmin Eleby who sent out invitations to friends and family to celebrate her 40th birthday…with a twist. The party was also a wedding, TO HERSELF! Now while I am not about spending exorbitant amounts of money for something of this nature, I do like the message behind it. In her vows, Ms. Eleby promised to forgive, love and honor herself. She made a lifelong commitment to herself instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

2. I stopped waiting on someone to save me in order to be internally and eternally happy. I was so anxious to get married, on my 33rd birthday, I gathered up my two best friends and we went to David’s Bridal and I tried on wedding dresses. Yep, I did that. Never mind that I didn’t at the time have a fiancé or even a serious boyfriend, I tried on dresses.

3. I stopped envying other couples and started celebrating their love. There were many times I would see a cute couple and say “awwww, they are so cute,” and sigh because I didn’t have that. I have learned that when you are not genuinely happy for others you send a signal to the Universe. What you put out will come back to you.


Being single is not a curse and you don’t have to attach sadness with the fact that you don’t have a significant other.  Find your very own way to celebrate yourself.

Have you decided to embrace being single? Tell me in the comment section how you did it.



  1. Dana

    February 16, 2015 at 7:49 pm

    I LOVE this post Pam!

  2. Beth

    February 17, 2015 at 11:05 am

    Love this! I have never been upset about being perpetually single, but I did always have this expectation that it would change someday. Over the last year or so, that has gone away. Not in a bad way. If it comes, great! But if it doesn’t, I’m whole, happy and peaceful. 🙂

    • Pam Williams

      February 17, 2015 at 5:40 pm

      Exactly Beth! It seems that a change came and it wasn’t a bad change, just a change that I was no longer going to worry and cry about not being part of a two.

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