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Toni Braxton’s Not the Only One…

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Toni Braxton gave a very candid interview to Entertainment Tonight publicly admitting to having an abortion during her early years of stardom.  As I watched her speak it made me reflect upon my life and past decisions.

I did not have an abortion, but I did do something similar.  Very few people in my life know that when my son was about four I discovered that I was pregnant by the guy that I was dating at the time.  *Kevin already had four other children, two of which included a set of twins.  I knew something was different when my body started showing tale-tell signs. I took a pregnancy test while my two best friends waited with me for the results.  As a blue plus sign appeared, a wail erupted from my throat.  I didn’t want it to be true, but there I was, unmarried, pregnant with a second child, and barely making ends meet.  I just couldn’t afford another baby. 

I called up Kevin and told him that I was pregnant and heard him smile through the receiver….no it was more like jubilation on the other end.  Ignoring his delight, I informed him that I could not have another baby and that I needed to have an abortion.  Kevin’s mood instantly changed and he let me know he was against it.  I continued on as if I didn’t hear him and asked for the amount of money it took to go ahead with the abortion.  We argued and then I heard the dial tone.  For the next two weeks my calls went unanswered; messages not returned.

blackwomanI was desperate.  I didn’t have the money myself to pay for the procedure, and didn’t know of any other recourse.  I did things that would not only harm myself, but knowingly, the fetus as well.  I lay on my stomach until it hurt and took a bath in almost boiling hot water with a carton of Epson Salt in it.  I thought maybe the salt would act as a sort of saline solution or at the very least boil it out of me.

During this time my truck, a 1992, rust colored Bronco was acting up.  The transmission was going out and the truck would no longer go into reverse.  I spent a lot of time finding parking spaces that I could easily drive out of.  There were many days that I would literally push the truck while half in the driver’s seat to guide it into a space.  With all of this pushing and pulling, I started bleeding.  I called my doctor and let her know that I might be pregnant and needed to see her.  I pulled in the parking lot and began pushing the truck backwards into a space.  A guy saw me struggling and asked if I needed help.  Embarrassed, I declined the offer and ran in quickly.

Once in the office, I was given a blood test that showed the pregnancy hormone, hCG in my body.  To make sure I was given a vaginal ultrasound which showed nothing but blood.  The doctor declared that I was no longer pregnant; I miscarried.

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This is just my story.  The Epson salt bath didn’t work so please don’t try this.  At the most, the bath was just a method to detox, but almost hurting myself by pushing my truck did cause me to miscarry.  I have forgiven myself, but think about this from time to time.  Let me know in the comment section if there is anything you did that you regret or have trouble dealing with.

 

* – Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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