He Cheated on Me: 5 Ways to Heal Your Self Esteem after an Affair

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Icon_Inspiration-Category_200x200I feel some kind of way about publicly punishing your spouse for his/her indiscretions. 

What happened to good ole marriage counseling?  I struggle to understand how putting a picture up on social media for the all world to see will help a marriage after it has been broken.  It only further adds to the problem by letting so many people in.  The comments are another added layer.  People will sympathize with one or the other and then there is the defense mechanism that is automatically there for the one scorned.  There are enough layers on this onion to peel back without adding strangers.

HeCheatedMr. Ivan Lewis, in the picture above, cheated on his wife and this picture was posted to his Facebook page.  Mr. Lewis had to get 10,000 Likes before she would take him back. The biggest problem I had with the whole thing is the sentence at the end of the note, “and she was ugly!!!”

This kind of stuff amazes me.  Why, because it says more about the wife than it does his indiscretion or even the “ugly” woman he cheated on her with.

I had a friend to exclaim when her then boyfriend/son’s father cheated on her “and I’m cuter than her!” To which I said, “and your point is?”  My friend said “well he could have at least got somebody that looks better than me.”  This conversation went on for a minute with my friend talking about how much fatter the woman was than her and how he could have done better.  In the not so immortal words of Tamar Braxton “GIRL GET YO LIFE!!”

What difference does it make that you are cuter or thinner than the other woman? Would it make you feel better if she looked like Halle Berry or Penelope Cruz?  He still cheated on you. 

insecure-206x300I find that women who make this ridiculous remark are trying to make themselves feel better about the indiscretion. 

If she was “beautiful,” you would still have self-esteem problems as a result of the infidelity.  You would question yourself and compare yourself to her in other ways because she is “beautiful.”  Then it would be “I wasn’t pretty or thin enough for him.”  The fact that he cheated has nothing to do with what the other woman looks like, but some women seem to want to make that a factor. 

In a lot of cases a man cheating has everything to do with what he lacks on the inside and nothing to do with you or even that other person.  Sure there have been books and countless articles written about why men cheat, but of them, the top reasons always point back to what that man lacks.  So my question to you, the betrayed, if you called “her” ugly, fat or whatever, what are you lacking?

Icon_Sensible-Homework_220x220bKnow that there are ways to get your self-esteem back up after such a relationship altering event.

  1. Process your feelings. Know that it is natural to feel hurt or even confused.  There is a grieving process that you have to get through and it involves those types of feelings.  The need to step away and regroup may be in order.  You will have to process the anger and hurt.  You might have to scream, cry and kick for a minute.  Do it. 
  2. Decide if you can/will forgive or if you have to walk away from your relationship. This is not a decision that can be made quickly or overnight.
  3. Decide what you want from the relationship.  What does it look and feel like? 
  4. Get some counseling.  Whether you stay in the relationship or not, you will need a professional to help you regain control of those spiraling emotions and feelings of self-doubt and inferiority, if that is the case.
  5. Forget about who she is.  Concentrate on the greatness that is you.  You have unique and distinct qualities that make you special and great.  Focus on that and stay there as much as possible.  You will need it when those negatives feelings come to haunt.

High self-esteem is something that has to be worked on continuously.  It is easy to compare ourselves to others, but what do you gain from it?  You only take away from who you are and lose focus on how to extract your own greatness. 

Have you or anyone you know had to repair their self-esteem after infidelity?  Let me know your thoughts on this post in the comments below.


[Huffington Post]




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